Balance & Beyond Podcast

Do you ever feel like you're not worthy of your desires, or that you need to earn them before they can become a reality?

You're not alone. In this powerful episode, we discuss the challenges that arise when attempting to manifest our desires, including feelings of unworthiness and the need to take time away from the hustle to give ourselves permission to do what we truly want. Whether it's something as simple as having a bath or a more complex goal, learn how to tap into the power of desire and move past the fear that holds you back.

Unlocking our true desires can be difficult, but with self-awareness and determination, we can overcome the deep-seated fears and lack of self-confidence that stand in our way. Join us as we explore the importance of understanding what we really want in life and taking steps to make those dreams a reality. Transform your life by turning your dreams into a game where having fun and pushing the boundaries of what you can achieve go hand in hand. Embark on a journey filled with joy, confidence, and memories beyond your wildest imagination.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

There's a word that has been coming up in my community of late, with the women I work with. And it's a really important one that I want to draw your attention to. It's something that has a range of connotations that we can get pulled into. But in actual fact, it's a word that, if we don't understand it, we're missing out on a lot of things that really makes this a really rich and beautiful life. There are two ways that they say that we, as humans, really step into change. And that is that you are either somebody who moves away, or runs away from pain or fear. Or, on the other hand, you are actually pulled towards your desires, or what it is that you want. 

So if you are somebody who runs away from pain, tries to avoid it there's usually a lot of doubt in your mind, because that's what fear drives, or somebody who is really pulled towards opportunity, towards hope, towards possibility. And there's a key word in either of those choices that I see for women like us that is actually having a big impact on both sides of that equation, and that word is desire. Let me share a little bit more about each of these approaches you could say and what I am seeing really hold women back, and something that we really really need to start giving ourselves permission to tap into when we're running away from fear. 

This is a biological imperative to change. And a complete survival mechanism. “A lion coming!” “Fire is coming!” “Don't put your hand on a hot stove!” That's what pain is. Pain is a signal to pay attention. “Don't keep doing that.” So then we retract, or we move away from that thing that we're afraid of. That thing that might cause us pain. Usually that kicks us into a fight or flight. We have a whole strength, a whole stress response, a whole range of chemicals. And this is obviously a way that we have stayed alive for a very, very long time and many, many generations. We're afraid of the fear. 

So, “Don't do that thing.” Now, this is great for short term movement. I mean, don't put your hand in the fire. Lion is coming. However, they have proven that this type of change, being driven by fear, is not sustainable in the long term and it has dire consequences on our health, on relationships and everything. And most burnout, in a classical sense, is because we are spending our lives running away from the metaphorical lion who is now our boss, our inbox, our people pleasing our perfectionist, our high standards. That is now what has become the modern day lion. Instead, they've shown that more sustainable and longer lasting change only really happens when we are pulled towards what it is that we really want, what it is that we long for. 

And this is where people say to me, “Jo, I don't just want to survive anymore, I want to actually thrive.” The challenge is, so many women I speak to don't actually know what they're longing for. Very often it's words like “balance” or “I just don't want to be here.” “Take everything I said and flip it, and that's what I want.” And yes, they want calm and joy and confidence and peace. They want quiet in their brain, headspace, connection, and presence. However, one of the reasons that they really struggle to truly manifest their desires, to make their desires and dreams come true, is because they don't really have a deep understanding of what they want. And not only do they not really have an understanding of what they want, but they don't actually give themselves permission to want what it is that they want. 

And this is a fascinating conversation that is happening a lot in my world, as both me and my clients are starting to get a lot of what we want. You're getting out of this survival mechanism and are starting to step into living this most beautiful life. Well, now a whole stack of challenges comes up. A whole stack of weeds in your garden, as I call them, where it's now about, “Well, oh my gosh, you mean I can have whatever it is that I want?” “You mean I could speak on stages around the world?” “You mean I could earn X amount of money?” “You mean I could have freedom.” Whoa like, out comes all the weeds! So there's two themes that I'm seeing here around this challenge for desire. And I'm sure this is a topic that my mindset coach, Jaclyn, loves, And so I'm sure at some point, we'll probably end up doing an entire podcast on this exact perspective. 

So when we talk about not giving ourselves permission to want what we want. That very often comes from this deep place of unworthiness, where we have to earn it, we have to deserve it. We have to have proven ourselves and, really interestingly, we'll only allow ourselves to have what we want, after we've given everybody else what it is that they need. 

So, I will go and have a bath after I've fed the kids, cleaned the kitchen, packed the lunch boxes for tomorrow, done a little laundry, checked my inbox, responded to a text message, and then I really want a bath, and I'm then going to give myself permission to do it. Is it any wonder that because all you really really want is a bath, you've had a massive week, and you just want to sit and soak and scrub everything off? You yell at the kids, you huff and puff while you're doing lunchboxes, you resent the phone call that then interrupts you from a friend, who actually could be a chance at connecting, because all you want is a damn bath, and you won't give yourself permission to go and have it, because you make up all these crazy rules about all these things that have to happen, in order for me to have the thing that I want. 

And so endless resentment, anger, frustration, kicking the dog, and it's not a fun place to be. It's not a nice place to live in. And not only do we see this, you know, the not giving ourselves permission. We also spend so much time in our heads, and our intelligence is a wonderful asset that we have. Our brains are brilliant, and they've been key to our success. However, sometimes that logic, our reasoning, gets in the way, because it strangles any desire that we happen to bring up. And I know I used to be guilty of this. 

I think, “Right, I want to go to Africa.” Africa is a place that my husband and I love. Right, I can't wait to take the kids to Africa. Well, you can't go until they're 12, because they can get eaten by a lion, and they don't really like being animals. And how are you going to go in the school holidays? And it's so expensive. I was like, “Whoa, hang on a second.”  Whatever happened to me actually just being able to sit in a desire and think of something that I want? 

It doesn't mean I have to worry about the how, this whole process of learning to dream, of learning to imagine miracles and opportunity, and for you not to have to control every step of the process. Can you see how finding out what it is that we want is so tricky? You've got to ensure that we stop doing this. That we learn to let go of the how, that we don't try to pull out a colour-coded Excel spreadsheet project plan about how said desire is going to happen. So the moment that a dream can make a spreadsheet, it has been killed. If you have a project plan, if you have a whole range of steps, if you've logic your way, if there's an equation that suddenly makes your dream come true, well then that dream is not big enough, because dreams are meant to be nebulous, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming. 

I don't know about you, but my girls, especially when they were younger, used to come up with all kinds of things that they were going to be when they grow up, what they were going to do. My little one in particular is very creative, and would often call herself a queen, and say that, “I'm absolutely going to become a mermaid unicorn when I grow up.” I say, “Yeah, absolutely, I have no doubt that you will.” And we strangle and stifle this dreaming, this creativity, just because we don't feel like we've got a way of making it happen. There are two things that you need to start doing. You need to start giving yourself permission to want what you want? That sounds really easy, right? Yeah, give yourself permission. Right, you yourself have permission slip, you can do a vision board, all of that stuff. 

However, until you really weed your garden, how do you have this innate sense of worthiness, that you don't have to earn anymore? How do you tap into miracles and magic, so that you don't have to strangle the life out of everything, and know how something is going to happen? And I know some people might listen to this, might be saying, “Oh Jo, you're off in La La Land.” I'm a realist idealist. In fact, “This is how much money I have, this is how much time I have.: Those things aren't going to change. Yeah, but where is this world?

Being bound by constraints and constraints that you've put in place and you've tried to control, and you spend your life trying to control. Is that really giving you the life that you want? I'm not saying you have to throw away everything and go live in a camper van and travel the world. I'm not suggesting that for a second. But I'm saying what happens if you give yourself permission to have a bath or to go for a walk or to eat a brownie, because that's what you feel like, and really learning to tap into these desires from a really small micro level, as in I really want a brownie right up to the well, I want to go live in a castle in France. Well, okay, why can you not give yourself permission to do that? 

Very often, too, these desires that we want are usually values based. It might be things around freedom, it might be about a sense of adventure, and your desires are really, I guess, a signpost as to what you really want. And a really interesting tip, when it comes to not knowing what it is that you desire, or anything that you're complaining about is usually a desire in disguise. So, if you're complaining about something, it's because it is a certain way, and usually you either want that or you want the opposite. So, what are you whinging about, and what part of you really wants that? And so, the consequence of all this is that we spend our lives trapped in fear. And I know I talk about fear a lot, and the main reason is there are all these emotions. 

You learn a lot from me, if you listen to me about emotions, and how they work. These are not places that I ever thought I'd be talking about. But every emotion ladders up to two, and those two emotions are fear and love. And no surprise, this is where doubt, and anxiety, and perfectionism, and procrastination, and disappointment, and guilt, and shame, they’re all in fear. But really, desire is unlocking your love muscle. It's saying, “This is what I would love.” And there is only so long we can move away in fear, before we have to start creating sustainable change, by moving towards what we want. So, here is the real kicker in making this transition, because you might be listening to this going, “Yeah, sure, I'm burnt out.” “I'm listening to everything you say.” “Yes, I want joy.” “I want calm.”

You have to have a really good understanding of what you want. Or even just, what you don't want. Because stepping into what you want is going to require you to let go of a lot of what you know. Because the reason you don't have what you want is because you don't know what you don't know, in terms of getting what you want. I know, that's a bit of a crazy twister. Another way of putting this is Einstein's famous comment about, “You can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it.” So, your current thinking has created your current reality. It's created your current problems, and it is created by being driven by fear. It has created where you are. So, you cannot use fear as a way to find joy. You're going to have to walk through the fear of stepping into the unknown and say, “I am prepared to leave this behind.”

And very often one of the criteria, or one of the key pieces that changes in women who say “yes” to come working with me, is that now the fear of staying where they are, is actually greater than the fear of the unknown. Because they know exactly where this life leads. They know exactly what's to come and they have now made a choice that, “I don't want to live this way anymore.” “And I don't care what battles I have to fight.” “I don't care what demons I have to slay.” “Anything has to be better than this, because I can see the consequences of how I'm operating.” “I can see the consequences for my family.” “I can see the consequences for my career.” And, most importantly, “I can see the consequences for my soul, for my being, for my happiness, for my joy.”

I don't want you to get to 90 and have all these regrets that you never actually knew what you wanted. You put everybody else's needs before your own. And then you didn't actually know how to go out and get what you want. So today, my ask of you is that you take a few deep breaths, and today ask yourself, “What is it that I want?” “What am I longing for?” “What do I desire?” And it can be a brownie, it can be a bath, it can be a completely different life, it can be an opportunity, it can be some of your values. And asking yourself that question, know that as you ask it, depending on the level of fear that you are currently seeing the world through, a whole stack of fear is going to come up. A whole stack of logic. 

“You can't have that.” “That's impossible, under your circumstances.” “You've got kids.” “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” I want you to just say, “Shh, go away, I don't care about you, logic.” “Right now, I'm having a desire session.” “I am dreaming.” “Give me permission to dream.” Create the space to do this, and that's going to be so insightful to you, to see all the fear that's going to come up. Because it will, but then, also for you to dig into, “Well, is this really difficult?” Some people find this quite an easy exercise, but most people in my world find this really tricky. And as you think about, “Oh, I really desire this thing.” You're also then going to notice with it, depending on your level of self-awareness, all the programs of you that haven't earned that. But what about everybody else? 

So, this one exercise gives you some deep insight into where your actual work needs to be done. Because, you can have all the desires that you want, but if you don't know how to get out of your head, if you don't know how to walk through the fear, then you are never going to make those desires come true. And if you don't have a good, solid bed of worthiness. If you don't believe in yourself enough, if you haven't got rid of it, or reduced it at least, some of these negative subconscious programs that run about, for example, wanting to look after everybody else, and worrying about being selfish, and worrying about getting it right, all of these things that are in our world. Magic and miracles will start to happen. You will unlock joy. You will unlock confidence. You will unlock memories like you cannot believe. But it's going to take some fear. 

So, I ask you today, something to ponder. As I said, think about your desires. And then, the next time you're running away from fear, I wonder what could be possible, if you decided that, “Not only am I going to stop, to think about my desires, but this is how I want to live.” “If I want to start being pulled towards what I want, I'm going to work out what it is that I want, and I'm going to start taking steps towards it, knowing that I have to leave everything behind.” But, I promise you. 

As somebody who has spent a lot of time thinking about what I want, working out who I am, who wants those things, this whole journey leads to the most magical life. When you get there, it becomes a game. It becomes playful. “What else can I desire?” “How can I make that happen?” “And how do I go beyond this world of time, and budgets, and 3D worlds, to make things happen?” And that is where it just starts to get extra fun and so happy. Have fun with your desires, and I can't wait to hear what you come up with. 

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.