Balance & Beyond Podcast

"You said no, you blocked the time, you set the boundary, so why are you still resentful and exhausted?"

This question cuts to the heart of what many ambitious women experience – the frustration of doing everything "right" in boundary-setting yet still feeling drained. The answer, as we explore in this episode, lies in the subtle yet powerful concept of boundary leaks.

Beyond the initial challenge of giving yourself permission to say no, there exists a more advanced level of boundary work that few discuss. We uncover three major ways your energy continues to leak despite setting theoretical boundaries: emotional over-functioning (making sure everyone's okay with your no), over-explaining (defending and justifying your decisions), and incomplete delegation (handing off tasks while still carrying the mental load).

These patterns stem from our deep discomfort with allowing others – and ourselves – to experience the natural consequences of our boundaries. We've been conditioned to believe that others' emotional responses are our responsibility, leading us to exhaust ourselves trying to prevent any possible discomfort. The irony? This very effort often creates the burnout we're trying to avoid.

What would it look like to break what we call "the sisterhood contract" of female over-functioning? To deliver a no with a period at the end – no apologies, no explanations? To truly delegate not just the task but the outcome? This is where true personal power resides, in choosing authenticity over performance, even when that means embracing the messiness of real boundaries.

Ready to move from knowing you should set boundaries to actually holding them with confidence? Check out our boundaries workshop with a bonus "saying no" guide in the show notes to support your journey toward boundaries that actually restore your energy rather than deplete it.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Jo (Host) 

You said no, you blocked the time, you set the boundary—so why are you still resentful and exhausted? Because most women set boundaries in theory, not in practice. Today, we're revealing the sneaky ways your energy is still leaking and how to plug those holes for good.

Jaclyn joining me today. What is going on? This is an advanced concept that we're talking about, and that we want to pull back the curtains on.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Saying no is kind of the first hurdle, right? It's giving yourself permission to say no. So many of the women coming to us—that's the first gauntlet. But if you're tuning in, you know you might still be working with that gauntlet, and you might feel like, actually, I have been saying no. Give yourself a pat on the back, and we want to offer you a more advanced way of checking in with your power and your boundaries around no.

So congratulations, you said no. Now we want to ask you an important question: Are you holding any apology around that no? Are you explaining or defending your no? Are you secretly regretting it or feeling guilty?

So I know that there are three ways that you've broken this down, Joan. We can go through each one of those if you want, but yeah, that's just my introduction—to consider that saying no is the first step.

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, 'cause boundary leaks aren't always visible. So this is what we're seeing: there's the obvious I'm saying yes to everything, I'm completely overloaded, but there's this more subtle, nuanced pattern that is really important for us to share. And, as we mentioned, this is advanced levels.

So, first up—saying no: really, really important. However, there's a lot more nuance that sits under that once we've learned how to do it. So let's talk about the first way that we are leaking our energy when it comes to boundaries. Jacqueline, this word—emotional over-functioning. It's a no, but it's not. What is it?

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Yep, it's making sure that other people are okay with your no, essentially. So I said no, but now I’ve got to go make sure that everyone's okay. I might have to bend over backwards and make up for my no in another way—yeah, apologizing for your no. And yeah, at the end of the day, it's like you have to earn back that no. Because I said no, now I have to make up for it. So it's a sneaky way that we thought we could congratulate ourselves for saying no, and then we end up emotionally over-functioning—overly caretaking other people's feelings.

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, and that's what it comes down to, isn't it? It's something that we've not really been taught how to do—and that's how to be okay with others' discomfort. You've said no, they don't like it. Maybe they now have to do something they didn't want to do, or they now have to go to extra effort, and we can't sit in that. We make it mean something about ourselves—that we've overstretched, or we're now mean, or we're selfish, or all of these patterns that are really, really prevalent.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Mm-hmm. Yeah, another way is—because you're worried about saying no—you kind of do all this gymnastics to make life easier for the other person, right? Like, it's your spouse, and you don't want to say no to picking the kids up. So then you go through all this gymnastics of making it okay—so I'll make sure I pack the lunches for the kids. So, if I'm going to ask him to pick up the kids because I'm going to say no to picking up the kids, then I’ve made it easy for him to pick up the kids. So now I don't even really have to say no, because he'll obviously want to pick up the kids, because I went the extra mile to make his life easier, et cetera, et cetera. So it's all this extra gymnastics, essentially, to soften the blow of our no—or to avoid saying no, or whatever. It's a funny little thing we do.

Jo (Host) 

But it can be a huge energy leak, can't it? You mentioned this—mental and emotional gymnastics instead of owning our no and being clean in it, which is, let's be honest, a lot harder to do.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Oh my gosh. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, these are advanced concepts that we're introducing here. The first step is just having the permission to say no, and then, once you say no, you'll be contending with all these other sneaky ways that the people-pleaser in you is going to be rioting, and you're going to want to start appeasing. And those are all energy leaks—or power leaks, as we like to say. So yeah, it's important to start looking out for this.

Jo (Host) 

Another way that we break our own boundaries without realizing it is we over-explain. So this is part of the mental gymnastics, isn’t it? We say no, but instead of saying no and just owning it, what does over-explaining look like?

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Defending, basically just over-talking it. But it’s all about defense. Are you sure you’re going to be okay? The reason why I’m doing it is this reason. It’s all again around the discomfort, like not, it’s, it’s. You give yourself the permission, you say no and then you’re backtracking on the permission you gave yourself. So over-explaining is this way of? Is it okay? Let me prove to myself and to you that it is okay with all this over-explaining. I’m not being selfish, right, like just wanting that validation from yourself, from whoever. Yeah, explaining yourself away really.

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, and it can be really… I guess you have to learn to step into discomfort when you start doing this, because I know I used to be a big over-explainer and I’m not as much anymore. I recently said no to something at my daughter’s school, and I had people almost fishing for my reason. And I simply said, “I would love to help, but now’s not a good time,” and they almost were looking at me like, and?

Jaclyn (Guest) 

And the reason why it's not a good time. You must justify it. 

Jo (Host) 

There’s, I don’t need to justify that, it’s my no. I sleep very well at night. That’s my no. And there was this but, but… but you can’t, you can’t just do that. And there’s almost this sisterhood of — we both over-explain, and we both apologize, and we both over-justify, and you’re breaking the damn sisterhood rule.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

You’re not just do it that way. It’s actually so true, but I love that. Be the rule breaker and be the first person to set a new precedent: my no has a period at the end of it, and that’s good and clean and awesome.

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, my no is my no, as you say, with no explaining. And then another way, particularly when it comes to home — and this happens at work as well — is how our boundaries leak and become a bit more porous: we will delegate, which means we're not going to do the thing, but we don't actually let it go fully, do we? We don't fully delegate it.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Yeah, totally. Let it go fully, do we? We don’t fully delegate it. Yeah, totally—micromanaging, hovering, like helicoptering with the kids or with people at work. Yeah, it’s energetically still managing it. So you’re not really delegating it. You’ve delegated the manual labor, but not the mental labor. So all three—like the thread through all three of these—is there’s still this emotional, mental labor that you’re attending to. Even though you said no, you’re still saying yes by investing your energy and your mental energy, your emotional energy, which is a big distinction.

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, ironic, right? It’s like, yes, I’m saying no, but I’m actually more exhausted than ever because it’s really hard to say no. Yeah, it’s really hard to say no, but it’s even harder when you say no and you continue to over-function, over-explain, and hold on to everything.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Yeah, oh man, man, as women, we really have a funny agreement, a funny sisterhood, don’t we? Like, we’re all in this stupid contract together, this weird agreement to over-function and all these things. So nobody breaks the contract, but actually, please, somebody break the contract.

Jo (Host) 

Show me that it can be done. 

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Yeah, and that’s why women come to us, because we’re kind of like a place where women get to break the rules and start a new precedent in their lives, right?

Jo (Host) 

And what is, I think, the hardest part when you delegate and actually let go is that you have to let go of the outcome and how it’s done, which is something women aren’t very good at. So, one of the big things early on in my journey—I said to my husband, right, I’m delegating. The dog needs to go to the vet. We agreed that he was going to do it. The old me would have checked in once a week: When’s the dog booked in? Do you need me to take him? When are you taking the dog to the vet? When are we going to fit that in? Have you booked the dog? And I would constantly be this hypervigilant: Has he booked the dog in? Has he booked the dog in? Instead, I just went, you know what? Worst case, if the dog doesn’t go to the vet for six months, he has to wear the consequences of that.

So, this is what women are terrible at: we try to let go, we try to delegate, but we still hold on, we still check, and we still worry. It’s like, just do it in the first place. So, you either have to delegate it and be clean in your boundary, understanding that it might get done differently or on a different timeframe, or as you get better at delegating, you agree with the person you’re delegating to. Like, we need to book the dog into the vet—you’re going to take it, and when do you agree to book the dog in by? This happens at work all the time. It’s like, “Can you take this report off my hands?” But you don’t actually say, “Can you take the report off my hands? I need three pages of the report completed by next Friday on this topic.” And then we wonder why we’re constantly checking in, nagging, and resenting them because we haven’t done it properly.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Yeah, yeah, it’s... yeah, we haven’t been taught how to create those agreements—to be explicit and then really let it go, right? Once the agreement is made, okay, I let it fully go. I’m not going to over-function, make sure that the person’s okay, and take care of themselves while they go make the appointment for the vet. I can trust that they can take care of themselves while they go make the appointment for the vet. I can trust that they can take care of themselves.

Same thing with, yeah, the over-explaining, the delegating, all of these pieces. Oh yeah, I was like, we don't want to be with the consequences in both ways. Like, what I mean is, we don't want to let the other person be with the consequences because that's painful for us to watch.

So if something happens with the dog and then your husband has to deal with the consequences — the dog has to deal with the consequences — and then you have to watch those two dealing with the consequences, and those become your consequences. And I think that’s what happens: we’re like, well, I don’t want to face those consequences of them dealing with the consequences. So I’m just going to eliminate that to begin with. It’s a weird mathematical equation that we already do unconsciously immediately — like, I’m just going to avoid the mess that could result. It might not even happen, but just in case that mess happens, I don’t want to be with that mess, so I’m just going to handle everything. So I think that’s one thing that happens. How can we build enough resilience to be with the discomfort of people, of the mess, of whatever that might look like?

Jo (Host) 

And that’s how we start slipping into martyrdom, right? Well, I’ll just take it all. I’ll just do it all, because what’s the point? I don’t want to deal with their mess, or I don’t want to deal with the discomfort, so I’ll take it all. And then we wonder, when we’re spending all our time juggling or, you know, swimming in resentment, oh, you know, this isn’t fair. And why do I feel this way? Well, unfortunately, you created your reality, as much as you would like to not think that’s the case.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

You did, for a whole range of reasons that aren’t often your fault, but you get to be responsible for changing it. Yeah, it’s like enabling it. And I think there is some truth to the matter that it might be really sucky to be with a mess should said person fail to meet the agreement that you agreed to, right? There are consequences, potentially, for the dog and everybody watching that, which could be awful. And I, and I think that’s it.

I think we just really don’t want to be with anything painful, for obvious reasons, and there is a reality to that. But at the end of the day, we’re going to make ourselves crazy trying to avoid pain all the time by taking control of everything.

So, at the end of the day, it’s like we need to meet pain—potential pain—and learn how to be with it. Not only that, but not every situation is going to be painful. It could be a really great learning experience, or maybe they’ll be successful—whatever it is. How can the husband learn to take more initiative and do more around the house if we never let him fail? Or how can the employee take on the report and learn from messing it up? We need to let people fail, and that can be hard, right? Because it can reflect on us. But what do we do?

That’s the better question, instead of avoiding or preventing all the mess, the pain, or the failures that reflect on you in some way—and it does, in reality, right? There is a reflection on you at work, there is a painful thing if the dog ends up sick, whatever. So my question is: what do you want to do about that? Because that’s where your work is as a woman. It’s like, what do I do when things are painful? What do I do when there’s a failure and it reflects on me somehow? Who am I going to be then, versus the person trying to constantly, like a crazy woman, stop all that from happening with over-functioning, over-explaining, and delegating but not really delegating?

Jo (Host) 

And then, ironically, it usually ends up happening anyway—because you take on too much, things slip through the cracks, and the failure, the mess, becomes inevitable. But we still don’t accept it. Then we lean into, “Well, I just need to do more, I need to control more.” So it’s ironic that we spend so much energy trying to avoid something happening, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway. Yeah, the irony of how we live our lives is insane, right?

Jaclyn (Guest) 

It’s insane—it’s crazy-making. But yeah, if you take anything from this episode, hopefully it’s this: ask yourself a higher-quality question—Who do I want to be in the face of failure or pain? And am I willing to take that risk, whether it’s the risk of failure or the risk of success, instead of tightly controlling everything because I’m too afraid to meet those moments?

Jo (Host) 

Hmm, which ultimately is a question about how we own our power, right? We often talk about setting boundaries around our time and energy, but on the other side of those boundaries is our true selves. What really matters is our personal power—our opportunity to live full, authentic lives. That’s what most women tell us they want, constantly. Instead of all this performing and over-functioning, it’s time to put that down and unlock what’s really there.

Jaclyn (Guest) 

Yeah, so it’s actually more about living your life boldly and powerfully, rather than just performing really strong. Does that make sense? Performing strongly comes with all these golden handcuffs and micromanaging, whereas living powerfully is messier, riskier, and potentially more painful—but it also brings more freedom, authenticity, and self-expression. So, you choose your path.

Jo (Host) 

You choose your path, but we know that most women who come to us want the power path. They want the path of authenticity, freedom, joy, and fulfillment — because that comes with mess. So, if you’re someone who is ready to go deeper, we encourage you to check out our Boundaries Workshop, which includes a bonus Saying No guide. You’ll get actual strategies to say no, as well as more information on how to hold boundaries.

If you’re ready to move from knowing you should set boundaries to actually holding them cleanly, powerfully, and without guilt, check out our Boundaries Workshop. It includes a bonus Saying No guide and tools to help you stay in your power even when it’s uncomfortable. Check out the show notes to learn more.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.