Episode Transcript
INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…
Jo (Host)
Why does life feel like a runaway train right now, and why are smart, capable women paying the price? In this episode, Sabina and I break down the hidden ways high-achieving women are falling into the trap of over-functioning, hyper-responsibility, and quiet burnout — without even realising it.
Sabina (Guest)
Oh my goodness, can we just press pause? Everything's gone stratospheric, hasn't it? I know, certainly in my own life, my friends’, and the clients we're speaking to — someone has just pressed the turbo boost button and everyone's going, What's going on? Is it me? So yeah, there's a lot happening, and we're always really keen to get underneath that — not get swept away in the story, but actually look at: Okay, what's within my control? What can we do about this? And let's have the conversation so that we feel a bit more empowered.
Jo (Host)
Absolutely. And amongst all the chaos and busyness — whether it's work, home, political, economic — you can name the external stimulus that we're all operating in at the moment. In the midst of all that, what is a key trend we're seeing women fall into when we're living in such a fast-paced environment, full of what can feel like so much chaos?
Sabina (Guest)
Yeah, it's this over-functioning — it's speeding up. So when everything external is speeding up, we can easily get caught up in that, over-functioning, becoming overly responsible, just taking on more and more and more. And really, what we believe that is — as things feel more and more out of control, we as humans want to then control more. It's like, wow, this is a runaway train — how can I just make sense of all of this? I need to grip on tighter, I need to double down on my to-do lists, and I need to get even more productive and achieve more. And it's a fallacy, right? The more out of control life becomes, the more we actually need to go inwards. But what we're seeing is this epidemic of busy playing out even more — people are becoming more and more ragged, stressed, physically tired. It's important that we don't get sucked in by this story of over-functioning and feeling overly self-responsible — acting like a lone wolf. It's all on me.
Jo (Host)
This is a version of hyper-independence — as you said, this "lone wolf-dom" — where we not only feel like we have to manage everything (you mentioned the lists, work, the emails, the inbox, everything), but also that over-functioning extends to everyone else in our life, doesn't it? So it's not just managing the logistics — that self-talk of "Well, I've now got to get this person here and pick up this and do this and respond to this by this date" — we also start managing everybody else's emotions, and we take responsibility for how they feel in their life. So it really can become incredibly draining, can't it?
Sabina (Guest)
Yeah, there’s no end to it. There’s no end to it! And if you’re a very emotionally intelligent, empathic, caring, heart-centered — and, you know, savvy — woman, you do care. And when you see people — your nearest and dearest, or anyone you care about — struggling, you tend to take that on. You want to help, to be of service, to make a greater impact or contribution.
But there’s a balance.
A balance between caring and carrying, between caring and rescuing, and finding that balance is everything.
The scale is being tipped so much further in the demands that are made of us, that we're seeing so many women buckling under this burden of care — being overly emotionally invested in other people’s happiness. And it's time to take a step back and really do what we refer to as strategically subtracting some of what is on your plate — whether it's mental, physical, emotional, financial, or energetic. It really is time to strategically subtract, and then consciously double down on: What are my priorities? What am I making a stand for? What are my personal values?
What do I need to double down on at work, instead of trying to be all things to all people? With AI coming on board, we know that things are going to get faster and faster. We can’t keep up with machine learning — we just can’t. And so I strongly believe, Jo, that we’re at a point in time where we have to make a conscious choice to stop, take stock, and ask ourselves: What is it to be me — in my family, in my life, in my workplace — right now? And what am I making a stand for? Because the runaway train of busy is not working.
Jo (Host)
Absolutely, that’s a tough one. Slowing down can feel like stepping into the unknown — almost like risking falling apart or getting sick. And then there’s that big question: if I’m not busy, who am I? When your sense of self is so wrapped up in being productive, helpful, and always rescuing, it’s no wonder the nervous system resists. Breaking out of those patterns alone can feel overwhelming because you’re rewiring not just habits but your identity itself. Have you found any small ways that help ease into slowing down without triggering that panic?
Sabina (Guest)
Yeah, and we're so used to working at 200 kilometers an hour. The minute your alarm goes off, you're up, you're feeding the dog, you're preparing the lunches, whatever it is. We go from nought to 200 straight away and our nervous systems are screaming. And, yeah, there's this worry that if I slow down, what will I even have the energy to get up? Or I don't even know what I like anymore, so it's easier just to make myself busy with everybody else's needs. And we're also seeing a trend of women saying, oh, I signed up to my boot camp. I thought, yeah, if I just get fit over the next six weeks. And then they go to two sessions and they don't carry on.
Or you know that gym membership, or agreeing to be in a book club and read a book that you know is going to uplift you. So, there's this desire to choose yourself, to value your health, or to uplift yourself spiritually or mentally. But then again, with the best intentions, we end up dropping off the list and focusing on everyone else, and so the hamster wheel continues. And this is something we're really passionate about, Jo, isn't it, that we're not meant to do it on our own? We're not meant to do it on our own. This is why accountability buddies are great when you join a boot camp or a gym. This lone wolf mentality is not the way we are meant to evolve as humans. We're meant to be in community. We're meant to have people high-fiving us, cheering us on, you know, telling us kind and loving wise words when we're on our knees. And life is meant to be more simple, and we may tell ourselves a story that, oh, that's just a pipe dream. But we can.
Jo (Host)
We can actually consciously cultivate simplicity and accountability and community, but it does take a decision and a choice to do something different. It does, and that can be the hardest part, right, when you've felt let down either by yourself or by circumstances, and then tell yourself, well, until the football season is over, there's no way I could ever do something for myself.
We continue to put this hyper focus on everything outside ourselves, waiting for ABC, unicorn and rainbow to all line up and then, when that's happened and the mermaid has, you know, swum with the leprechaun, then we will do something for ourselves. And is it any wonder years and years and years go by and another wasted gym membership or other program you don't do? There has to become this point, and what we're really passionate for is not waiting until you are on your knees, either on the brink of divorce or on the brink of illness or having lost your job, for you to have that wake up moment, to go, okay, maybe it's me, maybe there's something that I can actually take back control of, and even though I don't think that it's possible for me to do any less, I don't think subtraction is possible for me. Well, there are ways that every single human can actually step in and do this work.
Sabina (Guest)
And I'm a firm believer that prevention is better than cure. Don’t wait until you’re on your knees. Don’t wait until you feel like you’re having a nervous breakdown. Speak up, get honest with yourself. What do you need? Are you really secretly craving to be taken care of more? Great. Be honest with yourself and then look at how you’re behaving. Are you actually allowing people to step in and support you? Are you investing in yourself, in your health, and actually following through? Are you choosing to work with a mentor who’s walked the path that you want to walk before? Are you asking your partner for help or are you just quietly ruminating and spinning your thought wheels, constantly thinking, “I need some help, but I don’t know how to. I’ll just carry on.” You know you have to stop. Prevention is better than cure, and tomorrow never comes when you need to choose yourself. Your life, your wellbeing, your joy deserves to be looked at today and not put on the back burner.
Jo (Host)
And there’s a reason. Over 40% of the women—thousands now—who’ve taken our burnout archetype quiz are the silent martyr, which is that exact profile. I do everything for everyone. I do it full of resentment, often things they didn’t ask for, and I quietly grumble that I’m unappreciated and nobody sees me. And yet you’re doing all these things that nobody ever—often—asked of you, to a standard that perhaps isn’t required.
And then you sit there and tell yourself a very valid, it feels very true story about I’ve got no time, there’s no time for. And the number one answer of all the quiz answers was, I want to be taken care of, just for once. But to your point, you probably won’t allow anyone to actually take care of you. So their ability to receive, even though they desperately want it, they’re so wired for this over-functioning and over-giving that it’s impossible. Even if they get the courage to ask for help, they won’t actually take it, which is part of that self-sabotage pattern of I’ll sign up to the course that I know is going to help me, but I’m not going to do it because that means you’re receiving. Isn’t it crazy the way our brains work? Yeah.
Sabina (Guest)
And then you sit there and tell yourself a very valid, it feels very true story about I’ve got no time, there’s no time for. And the number one answer of all the quiz answers was, I want to be taken care of, just for once. But to your point, you probably won’t allow anyone to actually take care of you. So their ability to receive, even though they desperately want it, they’re so wired for this over-functioning and over-giving that it’s impossible. Even if they get the courage to ask for help, they won’t actually take it, which is part of that self-sabotage pattern of I’ll sign up to the course that I know is going to help me, but I’m not going to do it because that means you’re receiving. Isn’t it crazy the way our brains work? Yeah.
Jo (Host)
As you said, the human psyche, the human brain, and the nervous system are controlling so much more of us than we realize, and yet we think the answer is better lists, color coding. I know I’ll meal plan and put that on the fridge, and that’s going to be my salvation. I literally had someone tell me that yesterday: “No, I just need a meal plan and a shopping list, and then my life will be 100% better.” Like, there is merit in little things that can help, but I can promise you your meal plan is not going to change your wiring of over-functioning.
Sabina (Guest)
It is good, but it’s also a band-aid. We really need to get underneath the hood of what is driving your behavior. What are your beliefs about yourself, your level of deserving, the help that you’re allowed to ask for? And once you really get clear on that, and what’s really important to you and what you really value, then you can put in place these strategies that can help you. Um, we all have a growing to-do list. We do need to take things off. We do need to be productive and efficient, but we also need to strategically subtract what we’re expecting ourselves to do. But the key really is don’t be that lone wolf that’s over-functioning. How can you get honest with yourself? Ask for help, surround yourself with awesome people, surround yourself with people who call you out on your over-functioning, and start to get honest about what you really desire, and then find people who have walked that path, who know what they’re talking about, who can really help you get to where you want to be.
Jo (Host)
Absolutely! One powerful thing I often suggest is to start small and reframe what asking for help really means. Instead of thinking, “I’m burdening someone,” or “I have to do this alone to prove I’m capable,” try shifting to, “Asking for help is a way to strengthen connection and show I’m human.”
A simple action step? Pick one tiny thing—maybe texting a friend to share how you’re feeling or asking a colleague for advice on a small task. Notice how it feels to reach out. That tiny win can build momentum and chip away at the identity of “lone wolf” or hyper-independence.
It’s about rewiring the story you tell yourself about asking for help—from a sign of weakness to an act of courage and connection. Does that resonate with you?
Sabina (Guest)
Absolutely! One powerful thing I often suggest is to start small and reframe what asking for help really means. Instead of thinking, “I’m burdening someone,” or “I have to do this alone to prove I’m capable,” try shifting to, “Asking for help is a way to strengthen connection and show I’m human.”
A simple action step? Pick one tiny thing—maybe texting a friend to share how you’re feeling or asking a colleague for advice on a small task. Notice how it feels to reach out. That tiny win can build momentum and chip away at the identity of “lone wolf” or hyper-independence.
It’s about rewiring the story you tell yourself about asking for help—from a sign of weakness to an act of courage and connection. Does that resonate with you?
Jo (Host)
What do we see? Sabina, you mentioned this. You know, we've got these patterns here of over-functioning—obviously, overthinking goes with that. But then there's this hyper-independence and inability to ask for help. Pretty good chance somebody knows that they're not asking for help, but are there any other signs that we could give someone listening to this who's like, “Oh, I keep telling myself I'm gonna do this thing, but I don't do it”? A piece of advice or just one little thing that's going to get them into action to either ask for help or to be able to receive—whether it's a shift in identity, a hack, or a mindset shift.
Sabina (Guest)
Well, what we know is the type of women that come into our world—they are, as I said before, so overly caring, overly responsible, and they often have advice that’s loving, wise, practical, and pragmatic for the people they care about. So, one way you can have a bit of a record-scratch moment that stops you in your tracks is to ask yourself: if I were giving me some advice as if I were my best friend, what would I be saying? What wise, loving, or agony-aunt advice would I give myself right now? What is it that I really need to hear for the next step? And how could I push the easy button right now? For today, what is something that I just don’t have to feel responsible for? Sometimes it’s just as simple as that. It doesn’t have to be a grand life redesign—like figuring out school strategies for your kids. Just in this moment, how can I push the easy button so I can take better care of myself or ask someone else to help take care of me?
Jo (Host)
One of the hardest things to do is actually to ask for that help, to say, “Can you go and drop the kids off?” or “Can you pick them up?” It’s layered with so much story and emotion. That part of the work I love that we do is unraveling that and making those requests clean and easy to do—without all the gumph that usually comes with them.
Sabina (Guest)
Yeah, exactly. When we don’t speak up and keep those silent desires locked inside—not even admitting them to ourselves, let alone anyone else—it builds layers of seething resentment. Then, you’re not giving from an unconditionally loving place. People pick up on that resentment, the depletion, the tiredness. So, is that really the energy you want fueling your hyper-efficiency and hyper-independence? Probably not.
What if you could give a little less, but in a way that’s more authentic? Learning to ask for help benefits everyone—it lets you do less while allowing someone else to give. It’s the gift of reciprocity.
And in this world that’s speeding up with AI and nonstop busyness, the real power is in becoming more human—more vulnerable, more authentic.
Jo (Host)
Do less, get support, give yourself permission to enjoy this life you have just a little bit more—even one percent, like you said—without a big grand gesture. That small shift can go a really, really long way to unlocking more fulfillment, more joy, more fun, and more contentment—the things that make life worth living in the first place.
Exactly. So, we mentioned the art of strategic subtraction, and we invite you to join us for a challenge with a difference. Visit balanceinstitute.com/smash and join us from the 4th of August for five days to smash your to-do list. We’re talking strategic subtraction.
It’s through WhatsApp—no extra stuff. You’ll get voice notes from me, practical tools straight into your ear, showing you how to put some things down.
So, if you’re holding too much and any of what we said today about over-functioning, over-giving, or being a lone wolf resonates with you, come and join us. Be a lone wolf no longer — we’ll see you inside the Smash Your To-Do List five-day challenge.
OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.
