THE BALANCE & BEYOND PODCAST
#153: The Leak Hiding in Plain Sight
Doors are now open for the July 6 intake of Balance & Beyond!
You can look successful and still feel like you’re carrying a hidden load that never lets you fully exhale. We’re naming that load for what it often is: years of swallowed anger, grief, resentment and overwhelm that don’t disappear, they collect. Jo Stone sits down with coach Jaclyn to unpack “emotional constipation” and the way unfelt emotions leak out sideways as snappy replies, sudden tears, impatience, numbness, and that brittle sense of holding it all together on thin ice.
We get honest about why high achieving women avoid feelings in the first place: no one modelled how to feel emotions without spraying them on others, and our identity gets tied to doing, productivity and achievement. We talk emotional hygiene, the myth of “I’ll deal with it on holidays”, and the real cost of emotional suppression on the nervous system, burnout symptoms, sleep issues and the slow loss of aliveness, friendships and joy.
Then we move into what actually helps. Jaclyn explains why somatic work can create safety, how listening to sensation in the body shifts what the mind can’t think its way through, and why support matters when blind spots keep the old pattern running. You’ll hear what becomes possible when emotions move: clearer boundaries, more satisfaction at work, and a softer, more present version of you at home. If this lands, subscribe, share it with a woman who needs it, and leave a review so it reaches the people it’s meant for.
The Balance & Beyond Podcast Hosted by Jo Stone, founder of The Balance Institute
For women who are already succeeding, but beginning to wonder if they're willing to keep losing themselves in the process.
We know high achievers, because we are one. This podcast draws on Jo's 20 years in global leadership and thousands of hours coaching executives and ambitious women: the patterns she sees, how to untangle them, and what it actually takes to keep your success without paying for it with yourself.
If something landed today, there's more where that came from.
And if you know a woman this would resonate with, send it her way.
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Episode Transcript
INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for women who've outgrown the old model of success. The ones who look fine on the outside but know the way they've been living no longer fits. If you're standing in the space between who you were and who you're becoming, this is for you. I honour the space you've created today. Let's dive in! Here's the thing. No one tells high achieving women. Yep, you're stressed. Yep, you feel overwhelmed. But what if there was something
Jo Stone (Host)
Welcome To Balance And Beyond
Jo Stone (Host)
else going on that was contributing massively to how you are showing up in the world? And that is that you're full. Full of everything you've swallowed, backed up, every reaction, all the grief, all the anger, all the rage. And that doesn't go away. It doesn't evaporate just because we try to put it in our back pocket and pretend that we'll deal with it later. Today we are talking all about what happens when we ignore these things called feelings and emotions, how they leak. And I am joined by the one and only coach Jacqueline to talk about it. Jacqueline, welcome.
Jaclyn (Guest)
Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here and talking about feelings is one of my favorite things. So yeah, excited to dive in.
Jo Stone (Host)
Yeah. So we use this term emotional constipation, which can be lographic, but it's actually what really is happening. So, Jaclyn, tell us what is emotional constipation?
Jaclyn (Guest)
Yeah, I mean, just as one might assume,
What Emotional Constipation Means
Jaclyn (Guest)
judging by the name, is that we get backed up with feelings that we aren't feeling. I think even that just says it right there. Like feelings require you to feel them. And oftentimes we find we don't have the time to feel our feelings or the space to feel our feelings. We have a chalkful workday and kids at home, and like, man, I barely have a minute to go pee, let alone feel my feelings. And if we don't create time to feel our feelings, then what happens? Just like if you don't let yourself relieve yourself in the bathroom, if you don't relieve yourself of this building up, accumulating, whether it's the small things like annoyances at work or annoyances with your kids or your partner, whatever, people driving in the street, we call it like emotional hygiene too. And this is all on top of deeper things that are perhaps happening in your life or from your past. So, you know, maybe you're grieving a loss, or you have something, a big transition coming up in your life that you're feeling nervous about. There could be things current or from the past that might not have been fully felt, and those stay in your system. It's like all these micro annoyances, plus the deeper ones, present or past, and it all collects. So if we don't have regular practices for feeling our feelings, then it ends up coming out sideways. That's what emotional constipation is.
Jo Stone (Host)
And I would suggest that many women that come to us are not just recently backed up, they're like decades worth of stuff. It's like, I don't have time to feel this. I haven't had time to feel since 1985. Ain't got no room to laugh.
Jaclyn (Guest)
Oh my gosh, yeah. And that can feel heavy and intimidating, right? Like, oh my gosh, Jacqueline, if I feel my feelings, like I'm just gonna drown. It'll just be this avalanche of so many feelings. I can understand why that might be your thought, but there are ways to navigate that so it just doesn't take you out of your life. Obviously, we need to be functioning in the world and continue our roles and in those capacities. And there are ways to start to chip away and relieve the pressure of those feelings that are building up. So it's doable. It's doable.
Jo Stone (Host)
But why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we actually get backed up? And when did we get so afraid of feeling something that is an innate part of being a human?
Jaclyn (Guest)
Well, I think we're not really modeled how to do it fundamentally if we don't have a model of what it looks like to actually feel your feelings. And that's different, by the way, than somebody having feelings pointed at you. So maybe you can think to yourself, yeah, my mom felt her feelings, and I felt her anger all over me. And that's different. That's different because that's not really someone showing you what it looks like to feel their feelings. You know, with parenting these days, it's kind of trendy. You know, people are starting to think about
Why Feelings Build Up Over Years
Jaclyn (Guest)
how we parent. So I'm just gonna use that as an example because I have a three to almost four-year-old. And so we talk about feelings all the time because of the work I do in the world, right? So it's like teaching him how to feel his anger and not spray it at me. And it's not foolproof. Sometimes I get a smack from a four-year-old, but teaching other strategies, right? Like, how do we feel our feelings versus this feels painful? I don't like the way I feel, I'm upset, sadness, pain, anger, whatever it is that's uncomfortable. I'm gonna push it at you because I don't know what to do with it. That's different. So we all have experiences of that. Everyone can make a list of people in their life that have their emotions were pushed onto them. We might have done it to other people inadvertently as well. So this is actually a new skill. Like, how do I actually feel my feelings? And what does that actually look like? So I'm not spraying it around.
Jo Stone (Host)
Yeah. And I think another reason that it's so hard for us to do this is we almost consider ourselves rather than human beings that feel we've all turned into human doings, haven't we? And there's this absolute terror that if we stop and feel something, well, I won't be able to keep going. And I am known for how much I can do. I can achieve the impossible. And if I'm not delivering, doing, ticking stuff off the list, if I don't do it, who's gonna do it? The world's gonna fall apart.
Jaclyn (Guest)
Yep. But it's not actually inherent value. Like, if your value and your identity is placed in your achievement and your doing, then it's not gonna feel that enticing. And we get lost in the meantime. I don't want to feel it. There's no incentive.
Jo Stone (Host)
No, well, there's no ROI. Many clients come to us going, you mean there's an ROI? Like, what's
Learning To Feel Without Spraying It
Jo Stone (Host)
the ROI on breaking the damn wall that I've kept duct taped for decades? Tell me how that's going to help me. And I still remember a client years ago who the only way she would start to feel her feelings was when she worked out that feelings are faster. We had to find an ROI. And once we got an ROI, she's like, all right, Joe, let's talk about these feeling things. So, what's the risk, Jacqueline? If we don't, if we're like, I'll feel them later, I'll feel them on holidays. I just, I ain't got time for this, Joe. What are you going on about? It's it's served me up until now. What actually is going on? Where are these feelings that we're shoving down where the sun don't shine? Where are they leaking?
Jaclyn (Guest)
Well, it's unfortunately it's felt by the people we spend time with. So it's going to be felt by your colleagues in maybe your shorter than you meant to reply. You know, we might have curt responses because our bandwidth feels really limited. We might feel really impatient. We might feel really sensitive, like taking what people say professionally, really personally, and then maybe snapping or hiding, and then people are gonna notice, right? It's unconscious often, but people might not feel safe with you and they don't know why, or you might be known as the one who's a little snippy in the office. It kind of depends how that manifests. That's one way. There's obviously at home with your partner, your spouse, your kids,
Doing Culture And The ROI Trap
Jaclyn (Guest)
what kind of mom are we gonna get tonight when she gets home from work? And we're not saying all this to like shame people because this can be hard to hear. I think we might not want to be honest about the consequences that we're having, you know, that our partners might be managing us and like walking in eggshells, or you know, same thing with our kids, because we think we're keeping a lid on it, because we're not letting ourselves feel the thing. So, okay, I've got it together. Like I'm doing good, like I don't feel emotional all the time. I feel pretty neutral or stoic or fine, but it leaks out, right? And people notice. So I think if we're honest and we really start paying attention to the impact we're having on others, it can be confronting. And again, we don't say this to shame spiral anybody, but worth maybe opening your eyes to as long as you can give yourself grace about it because you're doing the best you can with what you know.
Jo Stone (Host)
And it is very easy, isn't it, when they all back up and you, you know, we get many clients to us that literally, you know, they get on their first call with us and we go, so how are you really? And that just one question. And then they're just a fall to pieces because they're holding it together on such thin ice that all it takes is one tiny bump. So there are those people who are so full, and they probably know that, you know, they burst into tears in the office for no reason, or they just sit in the car and cry. There are people who are that full that they literally can't contain it. But there are others who just get so completely disconnected, they tell themselves, okay, I don't have time for this. I'm producing, I'm delivering, I just got the promotion, I'm fine. When in reality, maybe they're not so fine, particularly on the inside. So, what does it cost us to have all of this suppressed emotion stuck inside us?
Jaclyn (Guest)
Well, I think for herself individually, I mean it's costing her her life. I mean, your sense of wellness mentally, physically, I mean, very often, um, you know, clients are coming to us with physical symptoms because when we have backed up unresolved feelings in the body, it causes tension. The body starts to feel like, oh, there's a problem, something doesn't feel good. I don't feel like things are flowing, I'm getting stagnant, I'm getting backed up, right? And so then the systems of the body, this isn't medical, but we see often enough that women come with physical symptoms, right? Around burnout, cortisol huge imbalances, asleep issues, and you know, there might be other circumstances, you know, in life that might be contributing to that. But what we're focusing on is the true toll of emotional suppression, right? And on the nervous system, right? It impacts the nervous system. Women who aren't really dropping into parasympathetic, which is the ability to rest and digest. If we're chronically on all the time in the sympathetic overdrive, then, and we're not really moving into full rest and digest, even when they're relaxing at home, their body never totally exhales. Does anybody recognize this listening to the podcast? Like, wow, I don't even know if my body ever exhales until maybe when I'm sleeping, but not even really then, because then I'm waking up at three in the morning. There's a huge toll. It starts to wither away your sense of feeling good in the world, aliveness. You
How Suppressed Emotions Leak Out
Jaclyn (Guest)
forget your own hobbies, what makes you feel good, your self-care practices, your friendships start to deteriorate because you're just not as available for them, because you're wiped out, and then home starts to feel yucky, right? Like everything just kind of falls apart. It's awful. Yeah. So anyway, that's why we do what we do because we want to get people out of that.
Jo Stone (Host)
I heard a doctor say that what if women have huge amounts of repressed rage and anger stuck in their bodies, which manifests in the body as heat. But we see the most amazing physical changes, don't we? When people come in, and yes, they treat the physical symptoms, but they actually get to the root cause of perhaps where those physical symptoms came from. And we've had people who've had, I still remember, ungone to every doctor everywhere, undiagnosed hip pain, couldn't explain it 20 years. They came in, week seven, a balance and beyond the letting go week, disappeared. She woke up and called me. It's like, oh my God, what's happened? What did you do to me? What magic, what voodoo, be done? Like, no, no, no. You actually just let go of all the guilt and shame that was sitting there. Obviously, this isn't a one-and-done thing, but the most miraculous changes can actually attach to this, right?
Jaclyn (Guest)
Oh, yeah, I see it all the time, especially in the one-on-one sessions that I'm guiding. So I think it's really important that they have a safe space to be able to feel their feelings. And then I mean, it's like every single time. Yeah, I feel lighter, I feel taller, I feel more expansive, I can breathe better, I feel softer, I feel like I have more energy, like I feel more peaceful because something was felt that needed to be felt, and then something can shift.
Jo Stone (Host)
And it does feel a little scary, doesn't it? Because it's very tempting for people to go, all right, I want to think about my emotions. I'll let them go by understanding them, know where it comes from. It almost is a big identity shift, isn't it, that we need to make to actually get out of our heads, which has got us the promotions, it's got us our jobs, our financial security, and we've put it as a society on a very big pedestal to actually go, all right, I'm gonna put that down just for a little second and see what might be on the other side. But it's hard, isn't it? We see this all the time in sessions. I'm sure people just bouncing back up into their heads. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, I need to know about this.
Jaclyn (Guest)
Yeah.
Jo Stone (Host)
Yeah.
Jaclyn (Guest)
Well, I think, yeah, that's natural. I mean, I still do it sometimes. There is a level of cognitive understanding with some of the somatic work that I do because we are dialoguing with the body and understanding the sensations and what material is there. So there is a level of cognitive understanding which is helpful for people. Like, okay, we're uncovering something and I'm following it. It's making sense. I'm listening to my body. I also really love to invite the body to show what it wants to do next. So if the body could do something with this energy, this tight feeling you have in your chest, whether it's anger or grief that was identified, what would that energy want to do? Would your body want to move? Would it want to make a sound? Would your breath change? And so inviting the body to actually show you how it wants to move is purely somatic work. There's nothing really cognitive about that. And that to your question, I think ultimately it feels like a relief to people. I think because we go in through the mind, like somatically through the mind, through dialoguing, there's enough safety. Like the mind is like, okay, this is making sense. I suppose this is safe. And then when I invite the body to do what it does, there's more of a buy-in at that point in the session. I don't see too many women really getting confronted by that part, but saying that it's definitely new, that this feels foreign to me, this feels unfamiliar, I feel raw, I feel vulnerable. But yeah, there's obviously relief because they always feel softer, lighter, more open. So that sounds like relief to me, right? So yeah, I think it's pretty powerful.
Jo Stone (Host)
But it is, I guess that's the challenge, right?
The Real Cost On Body And Life
Jo Stone (Host)
So often we see women coming to us and they've tried the journaling, they've done the cognitive behavioral therapy, they've read the books, and it's all mind, mind, mind. What do we see shift when people learn to actually unclog and learn to feel their feelings? We've spoken about some of the physical benefits and the miraculous changes we see, but what else becomes possible when you stop suppressing?
Jaclyn (Guest)
I think one of the biggest things is how many women, especially with our program and what we do, is a lot more satisfaction in their experience at work. Whether that is they stay at the same role and they're just not feeling powerless anymore, like I'm stuck and I don't like the way this my work is going. I don't like the way it feels for whatever the reason may be. Maybe they're getting home really late every day and they just feel like that's the only way it can be. It's almost like taking what feels like impossible to get out of a situation. They could stay in the same role with what looks like the same circumstances, but they end up feeling freer. Like they can actually go home and take off their hat and give themselves permission to not jump back on the computer and get back to work. There's a lot more permission. So then they start making choices that honor themselves. So boundaries start to come online. Okay, I'm not gonna go home every night at 7 p.m. I'm gonna make sure I leave by five or whatever. So I think they have a lot more satisfaction at work, even if they stay at the same role more dramatically. Women often change their role, saying, I just will not choose to be here anymore. So, and they find a role that feels so aligned. That's really fantastic. But either way, there's more satisfaction. But as far as those external pieces, I mean, you can just imagine then if they're more satisfied at work, then they're coming home with less baggage and more capacity. So now they're more present when they come home to hang out with their kids because they're not pissed off about whatever happened at work anymore, because they were able to feel their feelings more regularly, so they're not getting backed up. So now it's like all of a sudden they don't feel resentment seething out of them and coming out at their kids, you know, in snappy ways, but they're just feeling fresher and lighter. And now their kids get to reap the benefits of the fresher, lighter mom who's not carrying resentment around. And obviously the same thing goes for the partner. I'm sure there's a lot of spouses that are very happy with the work that we're doing with their women, right? Oh my gosh, she's not so critical all the time. You get yourself back, so then everybody gets your real self back. So it's a win-win for everybody.
Jo Stone (Host)
I love some of my most favorite testimonials are ones we get from husbands who are like, you need to keep going. Whatever she's doing, I don't know what it is, but you're better, you're softer, you're more fun, you laugh more. But this is the version of you that I fell in love with, is ultimately the best compliment that we get is you got it back. This is who I married. This is this is who I want to be with, even though it can feel tricky at the time, right? It's one of those things that we say it's simple, but not easy. And it's a muscle that you get to build as part of a broader suite of really understanding what is going on underneath. And we stop dealing with these whack-a-mole, with these surface-level symptoms. It's very easy to get stuck in this whack-a-mole. I'll just go to Bali, I will wait until the holidays, I will feel my feelings later, I'll have a little fluffy Instagram post or I'll have a little affirmation, I feel free, I feel this, but it doesn't actually work because you can hold on
Somatic Work That Creates Relief
Jo Stone (Host)
and get backed up so much and then go to a smash room and for one hour get out your anger. And that might make you feel a little bit better, but you've never actually worked out what is put the anger there in the first place and given you a regular practice, unless you get a VIP pass at the Smash room and go four times a day to actually process what is going on. And that's so hard to do alone because the patterns that really built that backlog are the patterns that mean you can't actually solve it because you're too afraid to look at it. You're too stuck in the doing. So it becomes this relentless cycle that people struggle to get out of.
Jaclyn (Guest)
Yeah. I mean, everybody has their ways of like letting off steam, right? Like whether it's going for a run or going to yoga or the raid rooms. And those are all helpful. But like you, I think the key here is that it you're not really getting to the pattern or the deeper thing, like why you're suppressing your emotions in the first place. And what is it that you don't want to feel? And why is that? And I know like all these edgy questions that I love asking, but most people don't want to be asked until they're ready to be asked, right? And then actually, I guess that relief is really right around the corner. But you need to get to the pattern, and how do you get to the pattern? You can't really get to the pattern on your own because just like personal work, we all have blind spots. So I still have a coach and I still uncover blind spots with my coach. That's just how it works. And so I think people might try to get away with the yoga, should be enough, or the journaling should be enough. And it can help some, but I don't know if I've ever seen anybody get away with just those practices and never having one-on-one professional support plus community support, which is huge. We're not meant to do these things one-on-one dyads. It's meant to be a communal witnessing. So it's like, I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm not the only one who's feeling free for the first time and feeling like, holy shit. Yeah, like we want to be on the ride with other people who are really getting real about their lives. I think that's why the journaling in the yoga helps, but we'll will not make the sustainable, deep, lasting change that it's required in like a one-on-one diet with a professional as well as in group. Yeah.
Jo Stone (Host)
Which is exactly what we do inside Balance and Beyond, isn't it? It's not just about naming the patterns and yes, you can journal and all that jazz, but we want to help you get underneath it. We want to unconstipate you. We want to get you moving. We want to get you the muscle so that you can find out who actually has been buried under this. Who's that lighter, softer, more you know, fun, who's that version of you who got buried so long ago. So we do this over 12 weeks through Balance and Beyond. And our next cohort starts on the 6th of July. We have group coaching, you have one-on-ones with coaches like Jacqueline and uh Katana that is built specifically for this reason. So if you've been listening to this episode and going, hmm, oh,
What Changes At Work And Home
Jo Stone (Host)
that's me. Yes, I'm vomiting emotions on people, and oh, I'm crying when someone says, Are you okay? or I'm crying in the car, or I just want to scream the whole time, you can feel the leakage and you can see where it's costing you. And perhaps this episode has shown you that it's costing you in or leaking in more ways than you realize. Then doors are now open. The link is in the show notes. And if you're not sure if this is the right container for you, if this is the thing that you need to deal with right now, then you can get on a call with us, and we will without question tell you if this is right for you. If it's not, then it's not in our interest to bring you into a container that you are not ready for. So, Jacqueline, feelings are faster. Thanks for bearing with me today.
Jaclyn (Guest)
I love it. I'm always here for this conversation.
Jo Stone (Host)
Thanks for joining me today. If this episode resonated, share it with a woman who needs to hear it. And if you want to be part of the Ripple Effect, leaving a review helps it reach the women it's meant for. I'll see you next time.
